What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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