You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
