It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
