It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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