Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
