if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
