I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize