Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
