I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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