my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
