We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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