We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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