I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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