you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
