So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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