He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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