i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
