Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize