I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
