I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
