if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Randomize