Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
