I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
