I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
