Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
