connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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