she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Randomize
