i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
