you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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