When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Princesses don't give blow jobs
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
