everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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