this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
