The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
