You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize