they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
