i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
