my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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