Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
