Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
a search helicopter?!
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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