what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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