o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
