I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
