woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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