I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
