I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
