before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
