I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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