In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
