so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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