I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
