i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
