The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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