I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
