I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Randomize
