did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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