evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
