Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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