Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
