I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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